Chapter 6
Mary Louise took a drink of her coffee and then took a deep breath, expelling the memory of that long ago night along with the CO2. She pulled into her driveway and up to the garage. She pressed the button on the garage door opener fastened to the sun visor and then shrieked. As the door lifted, a very large snake slithered its way from the flowerbed into her garage. With heart pounding, she searched frantically for her next move. Leave the door open and hope the snake slithers back out? Shut the door and trap it? Neither option appealed to her.
A third option came to her, which appealed even less, but at the end of the day appeared to be the best one. She took her phone out of the cup holder and flipped through her list of contacts until she found Jerry’s number. He was only a quarter mile away. Oh how she hated to play the damsel in distress, but she couldn’t deal with a snake, especially not one that big. She pressed the number.
“Hello, Mary Louise!” Jerry said cheerily.
“Hello, Jerry. Look, I’m sorry to bother you but I’ve got a bit of a situation.”
“Situation? What’s wrong?”
“Well, a snake has snuck into my garage.”
She felt like she was reading a children’s book. Sammy the snake snuck into the garage.
“I hate to bother you,” she continued, “but I don’t do snakes.”
“What did it look like?”
Mary Louise shuddered as she brought the image of the snake back to her mind.
“It was very big, very brown, and very slithery.”
“How big?”
Mary Louise was terrible with measurements. Two feet? Three feet?
“It was very fast, but I’d say about as long as my arm.”
“Sit tight. I’m on my way.”
In under five minutes, Jerry pulled in behind her and climbed out of his pickup truck. He walked around to the bed and took out a five gallon bucket and one of those tools people use to grab things off of high shelves. She lowered her window.
“Thanks, Jerry. Are you sure you want to go in there? I could probably call an exterminator. Do they do snakes?”
“Let me at least see if I can find out what we’re dealing with. Did you see where he went?”
“Along that wall there,” she said and pointed.
He smiled at her, winked, and then slowly crept into the garage. After a bit of shuffling, a bit of pounding, and a single ‘come out of there you son of a bitch,’ Jerry strutted out in triumph.
“It’s a hog snake. Not poisonous. Do you want to see him?”
“Goodness, no!”
“I’ll take him over by the fence and let him go.”
Albert had always said the only good snake was a dead snake. That was one reason he had worked so hard to create a lawn rather than leaving the property more natural. Was this a sign from him, reaching from beyond the grave to say ‘I told you so?’
Mary Louise eased her car into the garage and shut off the engine. She wasn’t thrilled about having to get out. She wished she would have looked in that bucket just to be sure Jerry had actually caught the snake. She tiptoed to the open garage door, eyes flicking from the flower bed to the driveway. What if it had a mate?
Jerry put the bucket and tool back into the bed of his truck and strutted up to Mary Louise, looking very pleased with himself.
“Thank you, Jerry. I’m very grateful.”
“Happy to help out a neighbor.”
Jerry just stood there smiling at her, and Mary Louise realized she’d done it again. Gotten herself from the frying pan into the fire. She was thankful for the caffeine coursing through her veins. She’d gotten rid of the snake, now she had to get rid of Jerry.
The polite thing to do would have been to invite him in for a glass of iced tea. She had called him for help, and he had come right over. After her session with Cheyenne she knew she didn’t have the strength to get rid of him if she invited him in. She also knew how disappointed Cheyenne would be with her if she did the polite thing. Cheyenne had told her this was her time now, that she should stop trying to please everyone else and think about what she wanted.
“So.” she said.
“So,” he said, still smiling like a Cheshire cat.
“I didn’t know you were such a snake charmer.”
“Aw, I’ve been dealing with snakes my whole life. It doesn’t take long to figure out whether or not they’re poisonous, especially if they’re not rattling.”
If he’d had on suspenders, Mary Louise was very sure he’d have hooked his thumbs in them.
“Well I’m very impressed, and very grateful,” said Mary Louise, not giving up her position in front of the garage door.
“Happy to help out a neighbor,” repeated Jerry. “Hey, speaking of helping out a neighbor, would you like to ride together to John and Dottie’s anniversary party on Saturday? I could be your designated driver and you could drink all of the prosecco you want.”
It was mildly disturbing to her that he had noticed what her choice of drink was at their Wednesday dinners. However, no one could help noticing how much he liked Bourbon.
“Oh no,” said Mary Louise, exaggerating a frowny face. “That would have been very nice but I already have someone accompanying me to the party.”
Jerry’s eyebrows shot up and now it was his turn for an exaggerated frowny face.
“Really? And who might that be?”
Yes. Who might that be, Mary Louise Liar Liar Pants on Fire? And what business is it of yours Jerry the Snake Charmer?
“His name is Bob. He’s an accountant.”
Jerry sniffed, studying the toe of his weathered boot.
“Dang it,” said Jerry.
A wave of relief washed over Mary Louise but then Jerry said, “But you’ll save me a dance, right?”
Mary Louise blinked hard. “Of course.”
Frying pan, fire. Frying pan, fire. Now she had to call Cheyenne and get fixed up with Bob the Accountant (another fine subject for a children’s book - maybe he does Sammy the Snake’s taxes) and come up with a reason other than she was trying to get out of a car ride with Jerry and not hurt his feelings. If she told Cheyenne the truth, Cheyenne would ask her why she hadn’t just told Jerry ‘no’ and stood up for what she, Mary Louise, wanted. Frying pan, fire.
* * *
Thursday morning Mary Louise knew the first thing on her list should be to call Cheyenne. The party was Saturday and she’d already gotten herself into a pickle. It was possible even now that Bob would not be able to accompany her. She thought of the old “I Love Lucy” show, how Lucy would get herself into a little mess and it would just get bigger and bigger, usually because she was trying to keep something from Ricky or pull something over on Ricky. Why didn’t Lucy just tell Ricky the truth? Because it was a T.V. show and there would be no point in having a show where everything went smoothly.
Mary Louise was not in a T.V. show and she did want everything to go smoothly but she could certainly understand Lucy’s pain about not wanting to come clean about everything that was going on. She reluctantly dialed Cheyenne’s number and was a bit surprised when Cheyenne actually answered. No one under 60 these days answers their phones, and if it was a business you never got to a live person without answering fifty robot questions first.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Cheyenne! This is Mary Louise Fulton. From yesterday?”
“Of course, Mary Louise. How are you?”
“I’m just great. And you?”
“Just fine. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I thought it over last night, and I would really appreciate it if you could ask Bob if he’d like to accompany an old lady like me to the party on Saturday night.”
“What changed your mind?”
Mary Louise had always ascribed to the school of thought that white lies were okay if they spared someone’s feelings. She hoped with all her heart that this was true and that she wouldn’t one day find herself burning in hell for the thousands of little white lies she had told in her lifetime. But this lie, the one about to burst out of her mouth, wasn’t a little white lie to spare someone’s feelings. This wasn’t her telling Dottie that her new hairdo was simply lovely when she actually thought it was simply awful. This was Mary Louise aka Lucy Ricardo manipulating a situation to hopefully get herself out of the fire and back into the frying pan, and hopefully someday nowhere near either the frying pan or the fire. What did the minions in hell have to say about half truths?
“I thought about it, and I really just didn’t want to go alone.”
That wasn’t so bad, and the fact that she’d be using Bob as a Jerry shield could remain her own little secret.
“That’s wonderful. I’ll call him and fill him in, and give him your number if that’s okay?”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“I know it must be hard for you, going to an event with someone who isn’t your husband. I’m proud of you.”
Mary Louise wasn’t proud of herself.
Cheyenne continued, ”I promise you, Bob is the nicest man in the world. You’ll have a very pleasant evening with him.”
“Thank you, Cheyenne. I look forward to talking to him.”
Another itsy bitsy teeny weeny white lie.
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